dun let it get to ur head

i try hard to not let anything get to my head.
and i'm beginning to think that i'm trying too hard.
and it's beginning to be unhealthy.
i can sense so; and it freaks me out.

i have all this while battled and fought all situations by faking optimisme, positive thinking and of course a little drama. that's a must. haha (my fave was when we ended up with the conclusion that there myte be a conspiracy between the British Empire and the Malay Sultanate which involved Maz' safety as the Princess and Heiress of British Royalty Family *big laugh*roll*roll*)
somehow, nowadays, it doesn't work anymore. and i'm scared of the fact that things are not working finely as it usually does. it's like i'm losing myself. and i'm really really scared. i dun know n i dun care if all these make sense. i'm tired..somebody slap me in the face, knock me hard in the head...i'm tired of waking up to do the same thing over and over again; everyday. it's like, to go and walk to my classes pon i have to stop, take a deep breath and have to actually sweet talk myself and console myself promising a good day ahead. i'm losing my energy too..
it's like i dun wanna see anyone, and i dun wanna be seen. (ta, i know what u mean now)
its sooo hard to wake up sumtimes nowadays. it's like i dun wanna wake up at times. and that's depressing. i need to be able to be explained. (i so get ta here to0 )

why cant life be like the movies i watch? when things seems to fall apart, time stops for them. they get to spend days sitting by the beach, watch the waves crash..watch the sunrise, sunset, whatever! or sleep all day, roll in bed and read 5books in a row. i wish things could be that simple. to take a moment to re-evaluate; i need that. i wish and want..i want and wish..

i left for 4days. my assignments still await for me. the library still is cold. the ladies' room at the law level is now re-opened for public use. test papers are returned. new topics are lectured in classes. time will never stop for anyone. that i know is true. i can sing all the happy songs, all the depressing tracks, i can laugh all the way thru The Nanny, My Wife and Kids, What I Like About You, anything; and after that, what? nothing changes. i'm still back to the pace where i was stuck at..

i'm tired of being asked the same question over and over again. the answer'll definitely be "i'll be fine". for a while it'll be that..i appreciate people's concern
*again, i feel blessed for the friends i have*
but ryte about now, i feel like i need to talk to sumone who has no idea about me.
sumone who'll bear me talk and talk, jump from one point to another, go all fast, then slow.
all those hours, the phone calls i got, i felt..ditemani..that wud be the word. but i find myself waiting for another phone call which from whom i wasn't shur.

i shud be expecting a call from Sue tomorrow. i cant wait.
iman's leaving this sunday. i feel terrible for not being able to meet up with her. not even once. i feel really really terrible. even if she says NVM i still feel bad. dang my schedule!

it's good to be back tho. i'll have to always and always remind myself everyday that i am blessed with a lot of good things in life. that there so many reasons i should be contended with life; and myself.

i dun expect to come back here after days of 'time out' and expect answers to all my questions, or for all my confusions to dissapear or be explained. i understand and believe that in life, not everything has it's explanation. not everything need to be answered. i'm okay with that. but i hope for a better day. it's just that, usually i'll be able to just shrug things off. usually i can just talk my way out of bad situations. usually i'm always in control of everything that revolves around me and my world. and today, i'm lost in questions and confusions. oh well, maybe its just me making a big scene out of things..

i miss my ummi n abah...

a word from Mr. Tolcher

"sooner or later, we'll be looking back on everything
we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
sumday u myte listen to what people have to say
now you learn the hard way

sumthings u have to learn them all on ur own
u cant rely on anybody else
try not to focus on urself
share that love with someone else
dun let the bitters bring u down..

they say life is all about learning,
teach me to live, while i'm here,
messages twisted and turning,what should i give,
make it clear coz i cant figure it out yet just how to make it..
but i'm closer to than i was yesterday.."

today's better than yesterday..that's how it shud be ryte?
i think, i think too much.
and i think it's beginning to become unhealthy for me too.
i need help. just to lay things out..
but then again, maybe i don't.bear with me friends...
i strongly believe it's just a phase of life and that soon, it'll be over and done;
and i'll be on the move again..soon..amiin..

*shrug* *walk away*